Happily Ever After

The Truth About Sex

I promised you sex. If you are expecting ten hot tips for turning him on tonight, you will be disappointed. For all the latest, go to any newsstand or grocery store checkout counter and take your pick of women's magazines. Everybody's touting a new position, new move or new magic spot. Trust me. Nothing is new. But the old stuff can be very exciting, so stick with me.
I find it sad that in our sex-saturated society, couples still have difficulty broaching the subject, and many women are still asking, "What's the big deal anyway?" My theory is that this is because of the tremendous gap between the media hype and what goes on behind real bedroom doors. Don't buy into Hollywood's cheap imitation. Sex is not a joke. It is a sincere expression of affection and deep love. Cherish it. Protect it. Treat it as an exclusive privilege.

The first step toward a mutually satisfying sex life is desire. I'm going to dare to raise a topic that is rarely discussed: why so many women don't enjoy sex. I hear the complaints from friends of all ages in all stages of life. (I've heard the men's side, too. They are baffled, because they cannot imagine why you are not into it.) If sex is a chore for you, something is very wrong and, for the health of your marriage, you need to fix it. The repair shop is open.

Physical Department 
Lack of desire is a common complaint among women. Step one is to rule out any physical cause. Talk to your doctor. Explore hormonal balance, health and lifestyle issues, medications you are taking, etc. If your husband has performance problems, encourage him to see his doctor. When you know all the equipment is in working order, then you can explore ways to get the most enjoyment from your physical relationship.

Emotional Department
If you are angry with your spouse or if unresolved conflict is brewing beneath the surface, you are not likely to be in the mood for mind-blowing sex. Getting to the bottom of the emotional issues will require honest communication, maybe even professional counseling. The sooner you get the baggage out of the way, the sooner you can reconnect sexually.

Knowledge & Skill Department
You would be amazed to know how many men do not understand the female anatomy or what it takes to bring a woman to orgasm. You might also be shocked to know how many women don't understand their own anatomy and have never achieved orgasm-women just going through the motions. If you aren't reaching satisfaction or simply aren't feeling anything, it is up to you to figure out what it takes. This means exploring your own body. (A vibrator and/or lubricant might be helpful.) Find out what touch feels best and then show and tell your husband how to rub you the right way. (Most men really don't mind taking some direction in this area. Some say it's a real turn-on.)

A few rules apply. You must NOT criticize his prior performance. This is dangerous territory, and if you have been faking, you may have some explaining to do. If you are going to have a great sex life, you have to take the bull by the horns and show him where, when, how and how much. It's that simple.

Words to the wise
For the men who are reading this, here's a hint. It takes longer to get us warmed up. The average woman needs 20 minutes of foreplay to fully relax her mind and engage her senses, not the 20 seconds it takes for you. A great majority of women cannot achieve orgasm through intercourse alone, so make it your mission to find out exactly what triggers your wife's best response. Encourage her to guide you. If she doesn't know, explore together until you get it right.

You are also wise to remember that great sex doesn't start in bed. It begins with kindness, respect, affection and praise. (A few chores around the house won't hurt either.) If you are busy ogling other women or are glued to a television set every waking moment, don't expect your wife to be ready to hop in the sack. Feed her desire by showing her on a daily basis how much she is loved and appreciated. Your investment outside the bedroom will be well-worth the effort once you get there.

Wives, it is important for you to understand that the ultimate thrill for your husband is your interest, enthusiasm and enjoyment. If he knows you are having a good time, he will experience the most amazing sex of his life. You don't have to know a single "trick." You want to be a goddess? Let go and have fun in bed.

Once he knows he's pleasing you, he is going to want to practice. a lot, which brings us to the question of time. Many women say that they don't have time or energy, or the kids interrupt. And then they wonder why they wake up one morning and find a stranger in the bed, or worse-a lipstick stain on his collar. If you are being tugged in a million directions, treat your sex life like any other important commitment. Put it on your calendar. If it means dropping the kids off at Grandma's, getting household help, ordering takeout, or hiring a babysitter and renting a cheap motel room once a week, just do it. What you lack in spontaneity will be made up by sheer anticipation.

Once you put sex on your priority list, you will find opportunities for those spontaneous romps. But you may also be surprised how charged up you get, knowing that pleasure awaits on a regular, predictable basis. Heighten the anticipation by establishing some rituals-whatever makes YOU feel confident and gets you in the right frame of mind. And don't be self conscious about your body, because his brain is not going to register anything but bliss.

Sex is not everything, but sex is important in marriage. What is most vital is the intimacy it fosters. Sex and intimacy go hand-in-hand, each perpetuating the other. And if there comes a time when, for whatever reason, sexual gratification is no longer possible, you can still enjoy physical affection and the abiding closeness that you have established. That's why they call it "making love."

Nourish your marriage with passion. Be your husband's fantasy: a woman who wants and loves sex. Make a date and practice frequently!

Questions? Topic requests? Contact me at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

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