Hissy Fit

Hissy Fit

A Conversation with My Doctor

My doctor wants me to lose weight. He says to eat lean meats, green vegetables and berries. that's it. First, let me preface this hissy fit with the following: I understand nutrition. The doctor is right and this rant is more than likely stemming from a lack of carbohydrates. With that said, I want a potato.

For heavens sakes, it is a vegetable. It grows in the ground. Yes, I know it is high on the glycemic index, but am I the only one recognizing and respecting that it's a vegetable? Aren't vegetables good for you?

So I asked, "Can I have an apple?"
The doc said, "No, apples are not berries."
Me: "What if I'm not berry hungry?"
Doc: "Only berries."
Me: "How about corn?"
Doc: "No corn, it's yellow!"
Me: "Squash?"
Doc: "Yellow. How about kale?"
Me: "Nobody eats kale. Name one person who eats kale."
Doc: "I eat kale."
Me: "That's because you're a doctor. Besides you don't really eat kale. I guess French fries."
Doc: "Yes."
Me: "Yes?"
Doc: "Yes, out of the question."
Me: "What about carrots?"
Doc: "Orange. No carrots."
Me: "How can eating carrots be cheating? I don't really even like carrots."
Doc: "No carrots."
Me: "You know, I read pineapple is officially a berry."
Doc: "Officially, no pineapple!"
Me: "Bacon?"
Doc: "No. Not lean."
Me: "Sausage?"
Doc: "Ditto."
Me: "Potato?"
Doc: "No bread. No rice. No potato. Nothing white. "
Me: "Sweet potato?"
Doc: "No! No potatoes!"
Me: "It's not white."
Doc: "Look, carry around a folder; on one side have a picture of a potato, on the other side a picture of your family. Then look at that often and decide which one you want."
Me: "That's grim. Besides, I have teenagers and some days may actually choose the potato."
Doc: "No potatoes!" You know if you just follow the rules, you can be thin by Christmas."
Me: "How about sweets, like ice cream?"
Doc: "Nooo!"
Me: "Well, you didn't say, 'no sweets'. I was just making sure."
Doc: "No sweets. Sugar-free if you must."
Me: "I think fake sugar is bad for you."
Doc: "For you and your body, so are potatoes!"
Me: "Well, at least they are natural and not a bunch of chemicals."
Doc: "You know if you lose the weight, you will be the most beautiful woman on this island."
Me: "Really? Did you know Piggly Wiggly is running a special on berries?"