It the Shoe Fits
W. Bruce Cameron
I have a pair of tennis shoes I purchased 25 years ago for $5, so in a way I feel as if I've gotten my money's worth. They are stained and so full of holes that they look like something has been chewing on them at night - though I know it's not my dog because they make him afraid. Chunks of inner shoe stuff have started falling out when I walk, which can be a little embarrassing in a restaurant.
"Sir, you dropped your, um ..." a waiter will call, his voice faltering when he realizes he doesn't actually know what he's found.
"You can keep it," I always reply, as if a piece of shoe shrapnel represents a generous gratuity.
I've started searching for a new pair of shoes in case I get invited to the royal wedding. Naturally, I know that with inflation I'll not be able to find a pair of shoes for 5 bucks, so I've budgeted twice that.
One pair of shoes really interests me because they claim you can get into shape just by wearing them - slip them on, tie the laces, take a nap. When you wake up, you'll be a professional athlete.
You can read all about the shoes on a special website for gullible people. The shoes are endorsed by Wayne Gretzky, who is famous for being a hockey player; Brooke Burke, who is famous for being a dancer; and Kim Kardashian, who is famous for being Kim Kardashian. The website also sells a fitness DVD, which I guess is for your shoes to watch. Why do you need a DVD when wearing these special shoes burns calories, tones your muscles and makes you a world-class hockey player?
(To be fair, the website doesn't specifically claim that Gretzky wore them when playing professional hockey. Nor does it say that Brooke Burke wore them while winning "Dancing With the Stars" or that Kim Kardashian wore them while doing nothing.)
The shoes have special curved soles, which makes sense - why have flat-bottomed shoes when the earth is round? They also improve posture, firm the buttocks and end world hunger. OK, maybe not that last part - I sort of stopped reading the list of benefits at the word "buttocks."
Partly I was distracted by the memory of being a young boy and phoning people at random and saying the word "buttocks" when they answered and then hanging up and laughing hysterically - why don't I ever do that anymore? Too busy, I guess. And partly I was put off by the idea that my personal buttocks would suddenly be "firm." I do not like to sit on things that are firm; I like to sit on things that are soft. Do I really want to buy a pair of shoes that make sitting down uncomfortable? I like to sit - it's one of the things I do before I lie down.
Other drawbacks: These shoes are a lot more expensive than my budget of 10 bucks, of course, though I think it might be worth it just to meet Wayne and Brooke, and of course I always am interested in keeping up with the Kardashians. But then there's this notation: "May cause some discomfort."
Now, my worn-out shoes might be spewing pieces of themselves at the waitstaff, but let me tell you they are comfortable. And I'm a man (if you don't believe me, review the buttocks story above - can you see a woman doing that?), and men don't do discomfort when it comes to footwear. Women will jam themselves into a vertical trough of shoe leather so that their toes are compressed to diamond points and their calf muscles are cramped up into knots and go out to dinner with a guy wearing a baseball cap and rotting shoes. And he'll be thinking that she must really appreciate that he's wearing a shirt that's mostly clean, and she'll be thinking that her feet hurt.
So as much as I like the idea as getting in shape without effort, I think I'm going to pass on the special shoes for gullibles. My old shoes have a few more chunks left to throw, I think.
To write Bruce Cameron, visit his website at www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about Bruce Cameron and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at www.creators.com.