Parenting August 2025: Managing Bad Behavior at Any Age
Living With Children by John Rosemond
"Living With Children" by John Rosemond
August 2025 Issue
Q: My 3-year-old son tends to react physically when he's mad at a preschool classmate instead of talking it out and letting the teachers intervene. We have encouraged him to use words when he’s angry, but he doesn’t seem to get it. Today he bit a classmate (the second time in a year this has happened), and got sent home. I fed him lunch and then confined him for the rest of the day to his bedroom. From now on, I plan on sending him to school every day with a “behavior report card.” He’ll get a mark for hitting, not obeying, and snatching toys from other kids. If he gets three marks in a day (morning, actually), I’ll confine him to his room at home. Your thoughts?
A: My immediate thought is that boys, by nature, are more aggressive than girls. My second thought is that the problems you’re describing are not that unusual when it comes to three-year-old boys and aren’t, in and of themselves, cause for alarm. This is not to say that aggression from a boy that age ought to be overlooked, but female teachers and mothers are more shocked by it than are males, including most dads. (But then, women are even more shocked when aggressive behavior comes from a girl.)
There is no apocalyptic significance to the sort of behavior you’re describing. Even occasional biting—which tends to provoke near-hysteria among preschool staff (and mothers of bitten children)—is not pathological at this age and does not predict later adjustment problems. In the previous sentence, however, “occasional” is the operative word.
Boys are also more impulsive than girls and language is not their natural problem-solving medium. Trying to persuade your son to “use words” when he’s angry is a laudable effort, to be sure, but you’re not likely to obtain much success with this approach for another year or two…or three. This is another example of women expecting boys to be more like girls. As you’ve discovered, boys respond to concrete consequences. At much earlier ages, girls respond to words and are more successful at using them in social negotiations.
Your “Three Strikes, You’re Out!” plan is pretty much along the lines of the approach I generally recommend in situations of this sort. I would only add 15 minutes of in-school time-out when one of the target misbehaviors occurs. Taking him out of the group for that period of time will give him an opportunity to calm down and “reset.” It will also strengthen the “Don’t!” message. And yes, if he bites or hits, his teachers should remove him from the group, call you, and keep him isolated until you arrive to take him home.
In the final analysis, the success of this plan hinges on everyone keeping their cool and cutting him no slack.
Q: My 15-year-old daughter is slowly driving me insane! She argues with me about everything and always wants the last word. No matter how well I explain the “why?” of a decision to her, she argues. Even when I offer a compromise, she argues. It’s her way or the highway. Is there a solution?
A: Yes, but you may not like it. Solving this problem requires that you admit YOU have caused it, not your daughter. It is not her hormones, her age, or some inborn stubbornness that propels these arguments. YOU cause them by explaining yourself to her. In so doing, you fling wide the door to argument, which she charges through before you can shut it. Then you blame her for capitalizing on an opportunity YOU presented.
To end these counterproductive arguments, you must give your daughter the last word. Yes, you read that right. After all, you have never “won” the last word in an argument with her, and you never will. You can obtain the last word only with someone who will consider your point of view rationally. A child cannot understand an adult’s point of view; therefore, you cannot win the last word in any conflict with your daughter. Has your daughter ever agreed with one of your explanations? Has she ever said, “You know, Mom, when you explain yourself like that, I can’t help but agree”? No, and she never will. If a child does not like a parent’s decision, the child will not like the explanation the parent gives to support it. Period.
Giving your daughter the last word involves four steps:
First, when your daughter does not like a decision you have made and demands an explanation, give her one that does not require more than five words, as in, “You’re not old enough” or “No time for that” – what I call Neanderthal answers.
Second, when she begins to scoff, scream, mock, or otherwise demonstrate contempt for your explanation, as in, “That is the dumbest reason I’ve ever heard!” agree with her. Just say, “Oh, of course, if I was your age, I’d think the same thing. Yes, I remember thinking the same thing when my mother gave me reasons of that sort. You and I are a lot alike, dear daughter.”
Third, walk away. I call this “pulling the plug on the power struggle.” You simply leave the scene and let your daughter “stew in her own juices.”
Fourth, if she comes after you and tries to badger, just say, “Oh, yes, I’d have badgered my mother too. And my mom wouldn’t have changed her mind, either, but you’re welcome to give it the old college try.
By following this simple, four-step approach, you are guaranteed to drive your daughter crazy. Being younger than you, she can handle it better.
John Rosemond is an American columnist, public speaker, family psychologist and author on parenting. His weekly parenting column is syndicated in approximately 225 newspapers, and he has authored 15 books on the subject. His ideas revolve around the ideas of authority for the parents and discipline for children. For more information, visit www.johnrosemond.com and www.parentguru.com. © Copyright 2025,