Hissy Fit - December 2024 - You are What You Do: Not What You Say You’re Going to Do

December 2024 Issue
by Elizabeth Skenes Millen

There are many things in life that are uncertain.
Your word shouldn’t be one of them.
If you tell someone you’re going to do something, by God, do it,
and don’t make them have to remind you.

Having to remind you puts people in an uncomfortable situation, which usually results in them not asking you to do what you said—even promised—to do. This puts a strain on relationships because it breaks trust. If your word loses meaning to those you know and love, you begin to also lose respect, which is hard to ever get back. It is a true loss even though many times it’s not on purpose.

It starts in childhood, children promising to feed, walk and bathe a new puppy if only you would let them get one. Teens swear they will wash and take care of a car if you buy them a new set of wheels. Unfortunately, in our lackadaisical society, where holding children responsible is considered “being mean”, the promise of care usually lasts less than a week. If you want to do your children a service, hold them accountable to their promises from a young age, and set the precedent that your word needs to be impeccable.

The lesson:
You are what you do, not what you say you’re going to do.

Now let’s move into adulthood with this dilemma, especially in the age of Venmo. There’s always that one person who never pays. My daughter has been in situations where she picks up the bill at a restaurant and everyone at the table says they will Venmo her, and most do. In fact, some people pay immediately. But then there’s one or two who don’t pay and have to be reminded a day or two later, and more than likely, a day or two after that, as well. This becomes a gaslighting game because the person who picked up the tab becomes the villain for wanting her money, and the person who owes the money becomes bothered by being reminded. Seriously?

Having to remind someone to pay you feels belittling, so much so, you will probably just stop asking. However, you will never forget. And that is how friendship bridges are burned over $25. It’s not the $25, it’s the lack of respect, the entitlement, and the fact that the person who “keeps forgetting” to pay made their friend feel bad. Maya Angelou said, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you make them feel.”

Case in point #1:
I can run into someone who I know I’ve met, and not recall who they are or how I should know them, but my body will tell me if it was a positive or negative experience—even if I have no recollection of our meeting. How you make people feel lasts forever, and if you made them feel bad, you have probably lost them forever. People want to be around those who they feel good, energetic, happy, and safe around. Misery may love company, but it is always short-lived.

Now let’s take this doing what you say you’re going to do a step further: You should not only do what you say you’re going to do, but you should also communicate about it. (Sorry, I don’t mean to “should” all over you, but this is important.)

Case in point #2.
If you promised your sister-in-law that you will bring macaroni and cheese, sweet potato casserole and a pound cake to Christmas dinner, call her a few days in advance just to say: “I’ve got the mac-n-cheese, sweet taters, and cake. Is there anything else I can help you with?” What a relief this minuscule exchange of confirmation makes to a host who’s trying to pull off the ultimate trifecta—good food, clean house, and showered and dressed. I’m a 66% girl: If you get a clean house and excellent food, I will probably have flour on my face and fuzzy socks on when I answer the door. If I’m looking good and the food is smelling good, do not under any circumstances open any cabinet or closet doors. I’ve even been known to throw stuff in the trunk of my car at the last minute. (A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, right? My Momma taught me when guests come over, the house should not look like we actually live there.) And well, the food not being delicious isn’t an option because I’m a pretty good cook, and I put the most effort into that piece of the proverbial hostess pie. I can't help it; I’m Southern, the land of where food equates to love.

Finally, I have a grown child, and I love him to death, but he is difficult to wrangle for help. His mantra is: “I told you I would do it; I don’t know why you have to keep asking me every six months.” We all kind of joke about it, but it is a thing. Again, having to remind just feels belittling. However, being made to feel like a nag about it is belittling. I live under the precipes that if someone needs my help, they more than likely need it sooner than later. And that is exactly why my mother moved herself to assisted living. Once she was in her 90s, and decided it was no longer wise to climb ladders to change a light bulb or reach for things that were high up in cabinets, she could only stand sitting in dim light for so long. I think she moved to assisted living out of spite, to show us. Fortunately, it's working out well, for all of us, quite frankly. She actually likes it, but she still has to wait on the maintenance man to change a light bulb. However, she doesn’t give two hoots about reminding him. That’s what being in your 90s is all about—holding people accountable to do what they say they’re going to do. You know, Mom’s been teaching this lesson forever. It used to be called the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And that is how simple life is, and yet so difficult at the same time.